Non-GMO Sperm Banks: 5 Tips On What You Need To Know

Non-GMO Sperm Banks are popping up in the baby gravy industry. Do you know if the little swimmers you brought down at Spermies-R-Us are Non-GMO? We’ll show you the ins-and-outs of shopping for sperm.

#1 Don’t Accept Sperm From Strangers

Listen kiddies, if someone in a long overcoat offers you some sperm, say no. Also never get into a windowless van with a stranger. Vans with windows are ok though.



#2 Ask What Organic Sperm Farm The Sperm Was Harvested From

If your friendly neighborhood jizz dealer can’t give you a verified non-gmo organically sourced farm, then that sperm is probably supper sketch. Don’t put that weird baby gravy up your clown hole.


#3 Never Trust A Guy Named Chad

Anyone named Chad is automatically a GMO filled mess on the inside. If you accept any tiny tadpoles form a guy named Chad your baby will 100% grow up to get shitty tribal tattoos, have a beer belly, farmers tan, and be a stoner couch potato in a frat.


#4 Non-GMO Sperm Definitely DOESNT Glow In The Dark

Don’t let any back-ally gmo-peddling sperm bandits try to tell you otherwise. Sperm is NOT supposed to glow in the dark. If you squirt any glowing sperm up your bever one of two things will happen; 1. die of painful gross vag cancer, 2. mutant powers. Is it really worth the risk?


#5 All Good Sperm Banks Offer You Loli Pops

If your sperm bank doesn’t offer you a loli pop when the whole ordeal is over (whether or not you were the turkey or the baster) then they are bad people and can not be trusted. Never accept sperm without a sweet treat to go with it. Sometimes in life you just have to stand up for yourself and say “I will NOT accept that jizz-in-a-jar without a sweet treat to suck on”.


In related news: Cockroach Milk is a thing

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